When something is really important, when you absolutely have to be sure - like confirming the time a crucial product will be delivered to your project - what do you do? Think about it . . . What are you willing to risk if you miss the deadline?
We tend to treat communication about things that are really critical differently than just casual conversation. Where we get into trouble is when one of the parties communicating doesn't THINK it is important at the time (or if they are intentionally trying to be vague).
One of my favorite examples of someone forcing clarity in an important conversation is in the movie "The Specialist" where the mafia boss - Joe Leon, played by Rod Steiger, tells his son - Thomas Leon, played by Eric Roberts-- to agree to stay out of a business matter:
"I no hear you say OK - OK?"
After trying to avoid the question, Thomas finally responds:
"OK"---
Not quite the same ring as the Godfather's "Make him an offer he can't refuse", but the same intended severity. Mafia movies tend to show very serious repercussions for not following the directives of the "Boss" - ultimate accountability.
------In real life, we have to find other ways to get buy-in and hold people accountable.
Listen Carefully
If you have ever played the campfire game (or for my daughter, after-dinner-table game) "Telephone", where one person whispers a phrase into the ear of another and they pass it to the next, etc, --you know that the message gets pretty garbled by the time it gets to the end - to humorous effect. Unless you're trying to keep yourselves entertained, mixed-up messages aren't very useful.
An often-underappreciated part of effective communication, is to make sure you are hearing what is being communicated to you:
- What was the intent of the message?
- What words did they use?
- What were the critical details?
- Was anything repeated or emphasized?
- Was there any particular emotion or sense of urgency?
I have found it's a good idea to repeat-back what you thought you heard - give the other person a chance to clarify or correct their message.
Many times delivery or tone is crucial to how you respond-- Quiet, low tone, casual and loosely chosen words, make it harder to read urgency and importance (if that is the underlying intent).
We all respond to orders barked at us, regardless of whether they are well-thought-out, or if there is any real urgency behind them. Unfortunately, it's up to you - if you are trying to writhe a directive out of a poorly delivered message.Come On, Really?
I hate to bring it up, but sometimes people say things because they expect that is what you want to hear from them, or they feel like something has to be said and no one can check at the time whether the statement is reasonable or not - hence the throw-away "Two weeks" promises from The Money-Pit contractor.
Here is a list of things you can do to help make sure you get the message (no particular order):- Watch Body Language - Check out the Fox TV show "Lie To Me"
- Confirm the Message - Does the message make sense with what you know, or can you compare it to what you know? - Reasonableness check
- Summarize the Basics - What are the 3 to 5 most important points the person is trying to get across to you?
- Memorize the Message - If you had to repeat the message back or tell someone else the message you recieved, could you do it?
- The Whole Thing - Got it? - Got it!
I believe there are 3 general levels of "knowing" or understanding a message:
- Recognition - You know it when you see it.
- Regurgitation - You can repeat it back as it was told or taught.
- Reapplication - You can use it or teach it in a different form than you recieved it.
The other end of the effective-communication process is what YOUR message is (and WHY they should follow or buy-in) - but that is a topic for another blog.
Related Sources
Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die by Chip Heath & Dan Heath
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People by Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlins
Unrelated Trivia
United States President S. Grover Cleveland (22 & 24) won the popular vote in 3 separate presidential elections, however, he lost the electorial vote to the 23rd US President, Benjamin Harrison. Benjamin's grandfather, William Henry Harrison (9th US President), had the dubious distinction of holding office for the shortest period of any US President in history (30 days), since he died due to contracting pneumonia from giving the longest presidential inauguration speech in history, in the rain.
Like Benjamin's grandfather, it also rained on his inauguration day, but #23 was no fool, he made sure his speech was short, and he got S. Grover Cleveland to hold his umbrella (the big guy left of center holding a top hat is 22/24). Inauguration photo.
The "S." stands for Stephen ---there's the real trivia for you - a US President whose first name is Steve :) --
